New Blog Design

I've redone the blog again. I think it looks simpler, but nicer. It's always fun to redecorate.

It was a long day, and I'm tired. I was substitute teaching again today. It went really well, a very nice day. I put out a few more feelers for jobs. I have another sub job on Monday, and then an interview on Tuesday. Keep your fingers crossed!

My Challenge

I'm home. I'm out of work.
I was happy as a secretary in the school system.
The economy feels like it is collapsing.
My heart starts to pound
when I hear about the public employees in Wisconsin.

My husband is working.
He's been working for years at the same job. It pays the bills.
Is he happy?
Eh. It pays the bills. He's good at what he does.
But there is a reason they call it "work".
His career is in consumer electronics.
Stuff people want, but not stuff people need.
Not stuff people are going to buy if they have no jobs.

My husband and I - we are getting older.
The kids are leaving.
It's not empty nest syndrome yet, but it's pretty close.
They don't need me to "mommy" them anymore.
They need me to kick them out of the nest.
They are teetering on the edge, and stretching their wings.
It's almost time.

I expected that the job I had was going to take me through to my golden years.
The husband was going to retire sooner rather than later.
I'd retired once already, when I had kids.
I was happy being back to work.
I wanted to work for the next 25 years.



Things change.

You are walking down the trail,
through a forest, in deep leafy green.
Your pack is comfortable on your back.
Heavy, yes, but it's not more than you can handle.
Sometimes you have to jump from stone to stone
and sometimes you have to cross a stream
and sometimes you have to push through the brush
but the forest is green and comforting.
The trail is leading you uphill
and you are getting tired, and a bit achey,
but you rest for a few minutes and then keep going.




















Things change.
The trail turns slightly
and you realize that in front of you
is a rock wall.
You can't go around it
and you can't go back.
This is the next step on the trail.



And there is no guarantee
that you CAN climb it.
You aren't in the greatest shape,
after all.

Sure, other people
have been able to climb it.
But how?
There are no instructions.
Only a few scattered blazes
to give you some suggestions.
There are no guarantees.
This is NOT Disney world.
You know that rattlesnakes
like to linger in the rocks.
Other hikers have mentioned
a rattlesnake right here,
somewhere in this pile of rocks.
And the rocks are slippery.
Even if every other person
has been able
to climb these rocks,
you could be the one
in a million
to slip
and hit your head and die.

These thoughts
are rolling through your head
as you start picking your way
awkwardly
up the rock wall.

But -
taking it one step at a time -
I don't know how I'm going to make it
up ahead.
But this one step,
yes,
I can put my right foot right there.
And then what?
I have no idea.
But I can put my left foot
right here.


Climbing
all the way up
one step
at a time
is really slow
and not very pleasant.
And your pack
becomes much heavier
and you can barely
look around at the scenery.

Finally reaching
the top of this cliff,
you look farther ahead
and you see
a whole new landscape.
The views are beautiful,
completely different
than hiking in the valley of trees.
You look ahead and realize
that there is another rock wall,
not so far away.
And you have no idea
how you are going to
make it up that wall
But you can see where you should put this one foot.

True story.

So I guess that's why
even though I'm really worried about our future
I haven't given in to complete despair.
And the kids are about to jump out of the nest,
but they have also proved that they are the kind of kids
to come back and help sherpa their momma if she needs it
over the rough patches.



My challenge.

I'm lazy.
I get "blah"
and I don't write
and I don't make money
and I don't do much of anything.

My challenge
Is to just keep moving
and take the next step
and not just sit by the trail
and daydream.

You are the bread and the knife.

This is an amazing video. It's a little boy, reciting a poem. It is a great poem, but what makes it even greater is this sweet little boy.
My gram would have loved this video.

Good evening.

I love to be up late. I love to sit up in the middle of the night, especially by myself, and listen to the quiet house. Thank goodness the wind stopped. It howled so much last night I couldn't hear myself think.

This isn't tonight's moon, but it's a good night shot, and I like to put a picture up. If I could put any picture up right now, it would be that picture that I can never take. The picture of being in the woods with the trees lit up from stars and sparks from a campfire, and plenty of light to see, but never enough light for the photo that I try to take and never comes out.

I haven't been writing much lately, I know. I'm not sure why. I have a lot to think about but not a lot that I want to share with the world. I've been doing a lot of stuff. Fun stuff, painting, making doll clothes, cooking interesting food, visiting people and places. I've got my garden planned out. I have ideas swimming through my head of things I want to do and accomplish. Maybe it's because I've been keeping myself so busy that I haven't written.

On the days I'm busy with all of my projects and people, I find I don't have the time to write. On the days that I'm not busy I find that I'm blah and I don't want to write then either.

I'm balancing on a teeter totter, back and forth, between optimism and pessimism. One moment in time and I'm optimistic that everything is great, we're getting by fine, the world is good, and I'll find a job - if I really want one - maybe I don't even need one. The next moment in time I'm worried that things could change in a moment, the economy is certainly going to get worse - this I do believe is true - and I need to prepare for the difficulties that haven't hit yet but I can feel coming our way. The song in my head? REM's "It's the end of the world, as we know it... and I feel fine..." I can see things coming in the distance that I don't even know HOW to prepare for!

I think about the story of the grasshopper and the ants. We are all grasshoppers. How come no one notices this? I know I'm a grasshopper. But the thing about that story... in the version I always heard, the grasshopper convinces the ants to help him out for the winter. I always imagine the illustration on the last page of the book that I had, of the Grasshopper playing his fiddle, while the ants dance in their cozy house, as the winds howled outside. The ants worked hard, and their hard work paid off. They had food and shelter. But what would their life have been like without the Grasshopper? Much more dreary, no sparkle, the only sound the wind howling at the door.

I'm Official!

I'm officially an artist, because I officially got paid for a portrait I did! This is Buffy. The person who wanted her painted said it came out great, and paid me! :) Wow, that made my week!

Quiet

I'm here all alone again, and it's very quiet in the house. I have plenty of things in mind to keep me busy, but I don't know where to start first.
List of things to do:
- find a job
- figure out if I can get unemployment back or not
- work on budget
- go to bank
- straighten up house
- laundry (always laundry)
- floors
- clean bathrooms
- piles of paperwork
- paint
- make doll clothes
- start seeds for garden
- bake
- make a big dinner
- etc.etc.etc....

It isn't a lack of things to do, for sure, that will make me crazy!

What this week will bring

Sunday.... ahhhh.... love Sunday.

I have to go to work tomorrow. It's my last day as a substitute teacher.
I can tell you, it's not been my finest moment. I didn't do well, I didn't handle it well.
I'm happy I don't have to go back after Monday.

I've though so much about this whole experience and yet I can't pin down the real problem. I don't know why I was so unhappy doing this. In theory, it would be a great job. In reality, I didn't have what it takes, whatever that is.

So, now I'm going to be unemployed again. I'm hoping I can get my unemployment back. I have no idea if I can or can't. I'll have to call the Unemployment Office on Monday to find out.

And I'm going to be searching hard for a job. Unfortunately, I don't know how well THAT will work out. A "Facebook Friend" just posted that she has sent out 587 applications and hasn't come up with anything yet. The economy isn't what it should be.

So I'm also looking at alternate ideas for money savings and maybe making money. And it all starts Tuesday.

But one thing is for sure... I'm going to miss being out in the world. If I'm sitting here every day without anyone to talk to, just talking to myself, I'm going to go crazy.

Glaciers are forming

 

This winter has been one for the record books! I read somewhere that it's the most snow we've had in more than 60 years or something. And the custodian across the street said that he heard more snow is coming in for Tuesday.

Seems like I never blog anymore unless we have a snow day.

Seems like we have a snow day every week or so!

Today is the first time this winter that I've helped dig out the cars. It is nice having grown sons, but on the other hand, they are not always around like they were when they were little. I remember when they were little and helped me shovel, I did most of the work for the first few years, and then when they got the hang of it they really took over.

Snow days aren't bad if you don't have to leave the house except to shovel. I don't like them as much when you have somewhere to go, something to do. But today has been pleasant, and I've got the house to myself! :)

I'll be blogging more next week, I'm pretty certain of it. See ya then!

Slush

 

We had a snow day from school today, which was lovely! It wasn't really snowing, but there is already a lot of snow on the ground, and the precipitating was rather icy and slush is covering the streets.
So I've tried to spend the day productively - like I try to spend all my days -- TRY being the operative word. It doesn't always happen that way. I did get my resume finished at least, and I had a lovely lunch with Nick. I've read a bit. And now I'm stalling from doing housework and laundry. And from thinking. So I decided to take a picture of the lovely slush that's allowing me to be home and lazy instead of at work.

I've got some new goals for my next time of unemployment, after the teaching thing is done. First priority is to actively look for a good job. My oldest son thinks that most likely, I'll take the first job I find, and then I won't keep looking for a better one. He thinks I should take the first job, but keep looking. I'm going to try to make the first job I find BE the good one that I want to keep. In the meantime, I plan on cooking more. The cooking substitute job taught me a lot about cooking simple things like bread and stuff from scratch, and I want to do more of that, for economy and for health.

I want to keep painting and reading, and write more. I'm starting to make doll clothes for a gift, and I want to sew more; I'm going to start the quilt I've always wanted to make. (My goal is only making one quilt, I'm not taking it up as a hobby.) I want to exercise more, first thing in the morning (which, for me, will be closer to 8 AM!) I want to be structured and not as lazy as I am today. I want my schedule to be full, and not so full of slush as it is today.

Yay snow days!

We woke up to a few more inches of fresh snow, which is a good thing because I didn't want to go to school today! So I'm cleaning my bedroom, trying to get through the piles of laundry that just keep accumulating. And I'm thinking about how I'm going to enjoy being out of work again.

One of the problems I'll have with not going to work again is putting the weight back on. But I seemed to do well with that over the summer -- but I've seen in the last few weeks that I'm starting to eat too much....

Various thoughts, nothing important

It's hard to put a cohesive thought together to post anything. I've got very disjointed ideas floating around in my head and nothing seems to stick. That's why I haven't written lately.
That and the fact that I feel like I'd like to post a photo with everything, and I haven't got any good photos.

So maybe I'll take a photo of something, some of this mess, so you can see the clutter in my brain.

Every day that goes by is a day closer to the end of substitute teaching. And every day that goes by, I heave a sigh of relief that I got through it again today with no huge problem. And then I worry about what tomorrow will bring. (Like today, one of the girls said to me, "Ms. K, if we get in a fight, don't you step into the middle of it. We like you and don't wanna see you get hurt." What should I be expecting? She was laughing at the time... so I'm hoping it was just a joke... and she jokes about me being nervous quite often... eeeesh...)

I've been cooking with these kids since September. And I have no good ideas left. All of the good ideas I had in the beginning have been done already. Plus, there isn't so much money in the budget to make many meat dishes. So this week, they asked if they could learn how to make cannoli. But I don't know HOW to make cannoli. So I bought the cannoli shells, and I've got a recipe for the filling. But it doesn't sound like a very good idea to me... but I don't have any better ideas... The other projects for the week and next week for my three classes are (probably) eggplant parm; tiramisu; vegetarian chinese dumplings; portuguese chorizo, rice and beans; slovakian cucumbers; spinach artichoke dip; apple pie; dinner rolls with yeast dough; cheese danish; pizza with homemade crust; and mozzarella sticks. And I might spring for chicken for them to make fried chicken for the final meal. But I'm really tired of thinking about food, and I'm going out to dinner tonight. :p

It's supposed to snow again. Shoprite was crazy. Everyone had to get their milk and bread and eggs. I did the food shopping for the class, but not for home. But I think I have enough bread and milk and eggs anyway, at home. There's never enough at school.

Through a glass, darkly

It's a new year and things are changing. Who knows what this year will bring? I'm optimistic, I hope I am right to be.
My first priority is to finish up this teaching job. I have a month to go, and it's still taking up huge chunks of my time and energy. Probably because I'm not good at it.

After that, my next priority is to get the budget figured out. Like I said - I'm optimistic. I'm going to take a fresh look at things and find ways to be more frugal to make up for losing my income.

Then, I've gotta come up with a career plan. I swing back and forth on this one. Am I desperate enough to work in Shop Rite? How about retail? Can I find a real career kind of job? Or maybe I should give writing and art a chance? Or should I stick with the real world? I really change my mind about this every minute. Which is why I need to go over the budget first.

It's gonna be an interesting year. It's interesting that last January, I had no idea that I would be in this position this January. And here I am. So who knows what will happen by next January?

One of my thoughts, though, is that it's gonna be a BIG year. Cross your fingers for me! :D

Messy Me

I'm going to be very industrious today and clean out a lot of the messy areas that get stacked up with papers and laundry and stuff during the rest of the year, when I don't have the extra time or energy to figure them out. I'm GOING to get my room cleaned and my bills paid. I'm going to start next year with a clean house and a clean slate. And then, I hope, I'll work on staying a little neater to start with.

Don't believe me?

Why not?

You don't believe me because I'm sitting here on the computer and procrastinating, is that it?

OK. I'll take the challenge. It's 8:38 right now. I'm going to start working, and check back in at 10 AM. I bet I work really hard for the next hour-plus. And I'll come back and tell you what I've gotten accomplished. Sounds like a plan?

Ready, set, go.

Snow Photos

I take a bunch of photos but they all look wrong. I haven't figured out yet how to exactly capture how beautiful it can be outside at night.

I took these within a few minutes of each other, on different settings.


Neither of them are right, but neither of them are wrong either. I want something in the middle?

The first snow of the year is always welcome. (Maybe not too many snow storms after that!) I am still in my pajamas... it's only 7 PM! No point in getting dressed, is there? I've had such a cozy day, making pots of tea, taking photos, writing, and eating cookies. It might be almost the same tomorrow because this snow is supposed to last until tomorrow night!

ache

I've got some kind of virus, and everything hurts. I've taken the day off and I'm going to do nothing but sit and stare out into space and read and sleep. Well, it's a Saturday, so it isn't too complicated to take the day off. I'm missing a party tonight and all of that work I'm supposed to be doing right now. Not such a big deal.

Well, so much Christmas preparations I should be doing, so maybe it is a big deal... I'm feeling very behind. I've been feeling like I have so much pressure to get everything done but can't. That's the source of another dull ache in my head, I think.

How to Be Alone video...

It's a beautiful poem, I love it.

I want to write more, but time is fleeting. Soon, though, I'll have all the time to myself again, and I'll be back to being alone. See ya then!

I want to paint this.

 

I've started like two paintings recently that I'm in the middle of working on, and now I've got a third in mind, and it's along the lines of this photo... but not really, not even close.

The other paintings? Well, one is a painting about beauty, and how and what people see as beautiful, especially about generational style differences. I'm painting a picture of a girl - no one in particular, in fact, just a girl I've never seen or met before. It's good practice for my goal of getting better at painting and drawing people. And I'm trying to portray a pretty girl. But she's also pierced and tattoo'd, which some people would say looks good, and some people would say looks bad. I like it so far. Of course, like usual, my person isn't coming out overly realistic. It's making me think about signing up for a class in drawing people. Well, I'm thinking about it. That's not saying I'm actually going to follow through with that. Because right now, I'm a little over booked, with the job thing sucking my brain. But - I still might. I might take a night course at the county college. Will I be brave enough? I don't know. I'll feel a little weird in a class of kids. Is that a good enough reason not too? I'm not sure. We'll see.

The second painting is all symbolism and good luck. I read a thing somewhere about it being "good feng shui" to hang a painting of a boat coming in to harbor, so I decided to paint a picture of that to hang in my living room. (Not that I know enough about feng shui to KNOW if that's good or not - or if it's good in the actual spot that I'm hanging it - or if it's too much water for my chi, when I need more wood or more metal - or any of the other details that I would need to know!) But I've decided that I'm going for it, and I'm going to paint a good luck painting. So I decided that the boat coming in to harbor should be OUR boat. (Well, my husband and his buddy's boat. It's called "the broken drum", because you just can't beat it....pause... get it? get it?) And in the boat will be my husband and my boys. (Although recently, I've been wondering if his buddy should be in there too. But it's a small boat, and I'm not sure the picture will look right. I might just put something symbolic of his buddy and his family in it.) And the boat should be coming in with bounty of some sort - so I added a crab trap with crabs. And I'm sitting on the dock, reading a book. Because that's where I'd want to be. And the sun is shining brightly, and the sea is calm, and there are little pink houses in the background. And swans in the foreground - I'm gonna add more - to represent family and friends and constancy and grace and some other quality that I can't name off the top of my head, but it's kinda like loyal and true... ya know? So, yeah. That's painting number 2.

And painting number 3 is something along the lines of this photo, because there have been SO MANY nice days lately, and the sun has been shining goldenly through the trees and the trees are such a beautiful color! So I have something in mind. So... which one should I work on? I don't know, I guess I'll decide tonight!

Peace

It's a beautiful, peaceful morning around here today. The leaves are falling off the trees quite rapidly now. I don't have work because we are still on holiday, so I have all the time in the world to sit and think and dream and read and drink tea. I have plenty that needs to get done, but I'm enjoying my peaceful time so much this morning that I'm going to have just one more cup of tea before I start running around. It seems I never get time to myself for this kind of thing, and I've gotta enjoy it while I can!

I've been trying to think deep thoughts, but something in my mind keeps switching them off. I've been trying to think about my goals; or about human nature, and how I can evolve into a better person; stuff like that. And yet I can't really get firmly into the meditation. I have an inner child chattering too much inside, and interrupting me. That aggravating voice that starts bringing up regrets and disappointments and embarrassments, and I want to drown it out, so I fill my head with other noise. Even when I was driving yesterday, and even when I was doing the dishes, both prime meditation times for me... I still couldn't find that profound place in my head. I think I'm going to have to take some time to schedule myself into a long peaceful silent thought time. Maybe when my husband watches football, I can walk to the park and sit by myself for a while. Maybe I can watch the trees lose their leaves, and whenever a stray thought pops into my head, any thought, I can just say "shush!" until all there is, is the silence and leaves falling.

November Sun

 

Good morning! It's sunny, and brisk, and the beginning of a week off, and so of course I'm pretty happy! I had a nice get together here at my house yesterday with a bunch of my husband's friends from high school, and I have a busy week planned. So many things to try to jam into a few days. And everytime I think about it, I think of more things to add to my list of things to do. So even though I hope to start blogging more again, I think that right now, I've gotta go get started on my stuff. I'll try to post something more interesting tonight if I can think of something interesting to say! :)

Weather related

I've noticed so often how my mood is soooo weather-related. If the sun is shining, all is right with the world. When the clouds scud across the sky, my mind gets cloudy and blah as well. WHY???? This drives me CRAZY!!! And you'd think that by recognizing it, I'd be able to fight it. Well, I can fight it, but I don't always win the fight.

Break from school begins... NOW... Yay! I'm liking the classes I'm teaching better than I did in the beginning, but it's still hard. Teaching is HARD. It seems so easy when you are on the outside looking in. But it's not, not if you really want people to learn. Everyone who reads this (unless you are a teacher) is probably thinking, "yeah, well how hard can it be, you have a week off now!" And sure, I have a week off. But I can tell you that I've got class work to do for at least two or maybe three of my days off, between grading and organizing and getting lesson plans together.

I'm going to try to get back in the groove for blogging. I don't know why it's become less of a habit than it had been. But yeah, I've got big plans for this week, and blogging is one of those plans! And my first step is to clear out all of these papers surrounding my computer. So let me get on to the task at hand... as soon as I have my tea...