No, this isn't the topic of the day because I've done anything PARTICULARLY evil lately.
I've been having many very philosophical conversations with myself. Don't bother reading any further if you're looking for some light entertainment. This may just bore you to tears.
For some reason -- possibly because of the beginning of the new year, maybe because of some negative emotions on my part -- I've been thinking about sin and forgiveness and evil and atonement lately.
I haven't made any New Years resolutions. Just the usual -- try to be a better person this year, try to enjoy life more, etc.,etc.
I turned 44, and for some reason, in many ways, I feel that I am not as nice as I should be. That as time goes by, I get farther away from the purity of a childlike spirit. I would really like to go back to having nothing on my mind more than a child has. Instead, for some reason, the slights and wrongs I have done to people over the course of my life have been lingering in my mind a lot lately. I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that. I have so many regrets, and they stack up as the years go on.
I was thinking about the Christian religion and belief that Jesus has died to forgive my sins. I don't find that particularly comforting. I must not really accept it at face value. Also -- the Catholic idea that you can find forgiveness of your sins by going to confession, confessing your sins to a priest, who will be able to somehow provide God's forgiveness. I know it's a complicated theological doctrine and I don't understand it accurately. I also know people of the Catholic and Christian faiths who believe in this, and feel so much better after confession. I don't have faith in confession, either.
Thinking about it from my own point of view, possibly a practical approach, I was thinking about the fact that you can't change the past. All you can do is try to do better in the future. Maybe the ancient people in these religions figured that the only way for some people to get past the mistakes of their past was to promise them that they were magically forgiven. Then, they could magically get over whatever they had already done that was wrong, as long as they promised to do better going forward.
So I'm looking for something for myself, along the lines of confession, that I can believe in to help me stop looking back with so much regret and instead move forward and hopefully do better in the future.
You could suggest making restitution for the wrongs I have done people. But for the most part, I'm talking about the small stuff. I haven't been guilty of stealing from my neighbor, I'm more guilty of just coveting my neighbor's stuff, that kind of thing.
Any ideas? I'm especially interested in ideas different from the Christian/Catholic ideas that I already understand... Feel free to comment!
9 comments:
My child...all is forgiven...now what of my stuff have you been coveting???
Seriously, I understand how difficult it is to take the Catholic religion by blind faith as I was taught to do as a child. I've been questioning God alot these past few years...wonder why?..but lately I feel better in knowing that God sent me one of his angels not because she needs me but because I need her. It is through taking care of her and her sister I have a chance to redeem myself. Kelly already has a "Go Directly to Heaven" ticket. I'm hoping that I can catch a ride on her wings.
I don't know what you have ever done wrong to anyone that you would need forgiveness for. Did you get a little grumpy one day??? Oh well that requires 44 lashes with a wet noodle. I think that everyone that knows you will agree with me (with the exception of a lunatic or 2) that you are one of the nicest people we know. You are generous with your time and energy to many organizations, and people. You worry about peoples feelings. Etc. I think sometimes you are too nice. Because of that, when you don't feel like doing something for someone you get this pang of guilt. Well guess what...they just hafta get over it. And the real friends will understand. The ones that don't understand can jump in a lake. Maybe I am just a bi+@#! Well I know I am, but..
What ever "slights and wrongs" you have done in your life, I can't even imagine. You must be doing something right. You have some wonderful friends, a good husband..(shout out to Thor!), good kids (yo boys!), nice house. What else could you want.
What wrongs have you done. Nothing as far as I can see. If you offended someone for telling them they were being stupid, maybe they were. Or if you critized someones actions and they didn't like it, then they need to get over it. You are allowed to have an opinion, and voice it. You are allowed to wish you had things other people have. As long as you don't steal it!
So if you have something you feel particularly bad about doing...tell the person you did it to that you are sorry. I bet for the most part the person is either already over it, or forgot all about it!
Unless this is all about when we were kids and you pulled my hair that one time in 1973. I will never forgive you for that! LOL!
Amber
Beth...
Kelly always seems so happy, you can definitely glimpse heaven just by watching her closely! And even though I know you have your work cut out for you, don't think I'm not jealous of your daughters. They're so much fun when they're little and sweet, and I never did get a little girl, only boys!
Amber... (Thor says Hi)... I'm not looking for the pat on the back for what a great person I am. I really do have intense feelings of guilt, frequently, for many things... I realllllly want to get past them! It isn't so much that THEY (the people I've wronged) have to get over it. I have to get over MYSELF...
EXAMPLE: A blast from the past. When I was a junior in High School, a nice boy, who I didn't know that well, who was a real nerd, asked me to his prom. I was flattered and said sure. BUT then, a few people made fun of me for going with him. (I don't think Beth did, though. Do you remember this, Beth? His name was something like Bean. I think he was Korean, and he was in Photography club with me.) I got embarassed from people making fun of me about it, so I decided not to go. For no good reason. And I don't remember now, but I think it was like the week before the prom or something.)
I was so wrong for not being stronger about the whole thing, and I'm sure it hurt his feelings. I STILL feel terrible about it... it STILL bothers me a lot. (He's probably forgotten the whole thing, and is a happily married millionaire!)
There's a TON of things like that that I have to just get over, but I don't know how to let them go... Confession would be useful, if it worked for me. I could just let it go and not feel bad about it anymore.
OK ...Not a pat on the back...just the way it is... last time I am going to say this... you are a good person. You should not feel guilt. I wouldn't want you to type all the things you feel guilty about. So call me and tell me. Then I will tell you how nuts you are. I will rate you on a scale of really nuts, a little nuts, not so nuts, a little guilt would be good, moderate guilt and OMG YOU DID WHAT!!! I bet I will tell you you are nuts to feel guilty for anything. You are a good sister, and from what I see a good mom, friend and wife...although your laundry skills, like mine, leave alot to be desired!!! lol And that Prom story...I did something similar. I will tell ya that one some other time. I felt terrible too. But at the time. Now that I am old as dirt... I figure I was young and dumb. Chalk it up to inexperience.
So now drink some vodka and relax a bit. Hang with Thor and the boys and be happy. You have sooo much to be proud of. The dumb things you did in the past are in the past. Can't change em. But you can remember and try not to repeat them.
Still waiting on the hair pull apology!!! lol....oh wait..I kicked you with my go-go boots, so I guess we are even.
Amber
Yeah..I kind of remember him. but put it in perspective. You were a teenager with teen age pressures. Remember who I went to the prom with..Tom Slack. He was very nice and very shy. After prom, I cancelled the whole weekend because I wanted to be with someone else at prom who never asked me..I found out at our reunion years later he (David Dalessandro) went to prom with a friend of his cousins. I would definitely not look back at teenage years with the knowledge of an adult and expect to have acted like an adult. We weren't. We didn't...I could give more examples but you get the idea. Do I wish I was nicer to Tom..yes but we grow up and learn.
The prom thing was just an example; other things I do, different things year after year, bother me. Especially when I get hormonal some of these things really stress me out. I want to just wipe the slate really clean.
So if I believed in confession, that would wipe the slate clean. But I don't, so I'd like to figure out another method...
Sue, the fact that you realize the mistakes, in itself means that you will not repeat them again. That's the best atonement.
There are so many serious wrong-doers in the world ( way way above the common mistakes that you and I do), who are not even a bit worried about the hurt they are spreading constantly.
And I feel, since you were particularly emotional that day, you must've magnified the 'wrongs' in your own eye. It's okay to covet somebody's stuff. It happens to every body sometimes. High school is a VERY young age... you can't be philosophical at that age. Atleast you wuldn't do that now, would you?
Give yourself some credit for ALL the good that you've done till today.
As long as someone is not 'seriously' hurt, no sin done.
Even a stranger like me has been able to see the good in you through your blog.
So, cool down and find it in your heart to forgive yourself.
"You are a good person."
Punam, that's very nice of you. I do get very emotional times, and when I do I sometimes dredge up every single thing I've done wrong.
I wish that feeling terrible DID prevent me from doing things wrong again in the future. But it seems that some kinds of errors are ingrained, and I make them thoughtlessly over and over, in spite of trying to be more conscious of them in the future.
But at least I am trying to do better. Hopefully that helps.
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