I have 7 minutes left until my self imposed deadline to call a friend who I know is mad at me. I know she's mad, and I know why, and I completely understand. But I hate when people are mad at me. It really stresses me out, and it always has.
A while ago I wrote about my oldest memory -- I remember being like three or four, and Gram Rodgers swatted my butt for stepping into the dust she had just swept up after she told me not to. It didn't hurt even a little bit, I was SO UPSET that she would be mad at me! I cried and cried. My feelings were so hurt.
In more recent years, Jan used to make fun of me for apologizing all the time about everything. I would do anything I could do stop conflict, and I would always act in whatever way I could to avoid making someone mad at me. I try to apologize less now. I don't want to dilute it's strength. I want any apology I make to be ... real.
My sister Bunny yells at me all the time for not just letting things go. "Too damn bad!" she would probably say. "If they don't like it, tough!" She talks a good game, but she is pretty sensitive too.
With this specific situation, I know I didn't do anything particularly WRONG. What I did was to make some choices that didn't put my friend's feelings first. I wasn't very sensitive to her needs. Because I had other priorities, and I did what I felt like I had to do, in spite of her being a friend.
So now, I have to call her. It's taken me 8 minutes so far to write this post. It's now a minute past the deadline. I'm stalling just a little bit. But writing helps me put my thoughts in perspective. So maybe I'll know what to say when I call her, if I write it out like this.
What can I say to her? I am sorry she's mad. I don't want her to be. I did what I felt like had to be done. She may disagree with my reasons. She may think I'm making excuses. I'll probably apologize... does it count if you apologize even though you would probably make the same choices if the situation happened again?
She may not even be home (crossing my fingers) and I can just apologize over an answering machine.
OK. It's 6 minutes past deadine. I've gotta go. Wish me luck.